as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
Psalm 139: 15,16
*****Disclaimer.... I in NO WAY intend to offend anyone. I have had 2 healthy children thus far, and therefore am basing my opinion on my previous experiences. If you have opted to have the test I write about, I do not mean to have you feel condemned, or judged. I am only writing my emotions, at this moment, as I feel them. Had my situations been different, or family history been different, so may my actions have been. (I would love to hear about your experience if it differs from mine.) God bless you whatever decision you made. **********
I FINALLY went for my first pre-natal appointment. A little late I know, but it's not that I was putting it off. I don't have anything against doctors. I just wasn't feeling well enough to drag my sorry butt out. So I waited. Until today.
Everything was as I had remembered. The "not-so-comfortable bed" with the oven mitt covered stirrups, the "leave nothing to the imagination gown" in my favourite colour-puke green, and the hasty nurse,who obviously hadn't had her morning coffee yet, asking for "samples" --on demand (urine). (Couldn't we have conducted this test at 2am this morning?? I guarantee I would have filled the cup then!!) There was the never forgiving scale (why did I feel the need to take my shoes off?? Like that matters!!), the cold, sterile stethescope, and a filing cabinet full of "must reads" if you are pregnant. It is one of those pamphlets that have sparked this blog.
"Are you taking your vitamins?" my doctor asks
"No, they make me sick." I reply.
He takes a moment and flips through the mountain of paperwork that makes up my file. He must remember something because he nods.
"Oh yes. You were quite sick with the other two. Right. Well, you should still try and take some. I'll give you a prescription to help with the sickness." He offers.
I smile and take the prescription.
"Do you want an aids test?" He continues. Hmm??? An aids test? Why in the world...
"Umm.. do I have to have one?" I questioned.
"Nope. I just have to ask."
"No, I don't have aids and I don't need a test. But thanks." Why had I just said thanks? It seemed ridiculous to me that he was asking, and I politely say thanks? I suddenly realize I am as odd as Mike says I am.
"There's this test. (he names it..sorry I forget) OHIP offers it to all pregnant patients. It will decipher if the baby has downs or spina bifida" He explains.
"No thanks." I quickly respond.
"Now seeing as you're getting up there, (getting up there??? somebody PLEASE tell me when 31 moved into the "getting up there" category!!??), you may want to consider this test. You know you're odds are getting higher."
I couldn't quite understand what my "odds" had to do with it? I was pregnant, having a baby, I didn't much care what my odds were.
"No, we're keeping the baby no matter what."
"For down's syndrome your odds are 1/754, and for spina bifida it is 1/1500." He continues...This man won't stop.
I wanted to scream.....MY ODDS FOR DIVORCE ARE 1in2 BUT THAT'S NOT HAPPENING!!, I didn't. I just sat there. I must have looked perturbed, or perplexed though because he sighs.
"Butttt.. I see you aren't interested." He begins to scribble. I wonder if he had heard anything I had previously said.
I breathe. Why was I frustrated at this man? This had nothing to do with him. It had everything, in my opinion, to do with society. And our fears. And our selfishness. Did they really have to offer me a "free" test to see if my baby had some ailment?? Have we progressed so far, or regressed so far back, that it would actually make a difference if we knew? And if something was wrong, then what? Would one have the medical option to abort? Would one live the next months studying on what "might" happen, and how one "should" prepare?
I just didn't get it.
And then I realize.
Neither do they.
They look at it through worldly eyes. They need their options. They are not comforted in knowing the truth.
I however, rested in knowing that HE.."is knitting this child together in my womb" HE "is making all the delicate, inner parts of it's body." HE "is watching this child in it's utter seclusion" -- ( I use "it" for lack of a better term. I do not know the sex)
I am comforted by the truth. God knows the plans for this child. I don't need to know... I need to rest in KNOWING that God does. And I am okay with that. I am comforted by his truth.
P.s. Some day I may blog on this subject a bit more. You see, my mother was once told that one of her babies would either die in the womb, or come out severly handicapped...but, PRAISE GOD, she opted to keep me.