Friday, February 16, 2007

"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
Psalm 139: 15,16

*****Disclaimer.... I in NO WAY intend to offend anyone. I have had 2 healthy children thus far, and therefore am basing my opinion on my previous experiences. If you have opted to have the test I write about, I do not mean to have you feel condemned, or judged. I am only writing my emotions, at this moment, as I feel them. Had my situations been different, or family history been different, so may my actions have been. (I would love to hear about your experience if it differs from mine.) God bless you whatever decision you made. **********

I FINALLY went for my first pre-natal appointment. A little late I know, but it's not that I was putting it off. I don't have anything against doctors. I just wasn't feeling well enough to drag my sorry butt out. So I waited. Until today.
Everything was as I had remembered. The "not-so-comfortable bed" with the oven mitt covered stirrups, the "leave nothing to the imagination gown" in my favourite colour-puke green, and the hasty nurse,who obviously hadn't had her morning coffee yet, asking for "samples" --on demand (urine). (Couldn't we have conducted this test at 2am this morning?? I guarantee I would have filled the cup then!!) There was the never forgiving scale (why did I feel the need to take my shoes off?? Like that matters!!), the cold, sterile stethescope, and a filing cabinet full of "must reads" if you are pregnant. It is one of those pamphlets that have sparked this blog.
"Are you taking your vitamins?" my doctor asks
"No, they make me sick." I reply.
He takes a moment and flips through the mountain of paperwork that makes up my file. He must remember something because he nods.
"Oh yes. You were quite sick with the other two. Right. Well, you should still try and take some. I'll give you a prescription to help with the sickness." He offers.
I smile and take the prescription.
"Do you want an aids test?" He continues. Hmm??? An aids test? Why in the world...
"Umm.. do I have to have one?" I questioned.
"Nope. I just have to ask."
"No, I don't have aids and I don't need a test. But thanks." Why had I just said thanks? It seemed ridiculous to me that he was asking, and I politely say thanks? I suddenly realize I am as odd as Mike says I am.
"There's this test. (he names it..sorry I forget) OHIP offers it to all pregnant patients. It will decipher if the baby has downs or spina bifida" He explains.
"No thanks." I quickly respond.
"Now seeing as you're getting up there, (getting up there??? somebody PLEASE tell me when 31 moved into the "getting up there" category!!??), you may want to consider this test. You know you're odds are getting higher."
I couldn't quite understand what my "odds" had to do with it? I was pregnant, having a baby, I didn't much care what my odds were.
"No, we're keeping the baby no matter what."
"For down's syndrome your odds are 1/754, and for spina bifida it is 1/1500." He continues...This man won't stop.
I wanted to scream.....MY ODDS FOR DIVORCE ARE 1in2 BUT THAT'S NOT HAPPENING!!, I didn't. I just sat there. I must have looked perturbed, or perplexed though because he sighs.
"Butttt.. I see you aren't interested." He begins to scribble. I wonder if he had heard anything I had previously said.
I breathe. Why was I frustrated at this man? This had nothing to do with him. It had everything, in my opinion, to do with society. And our fears. And our selfishness. Did they really have to offer me a "free" test to see if my baby had some ailment?? Have we progressed so far, or regressed so far back, that it would actually make a difference if we knew? And if something was wrong, then what? Would one have the medical option to abort? Would one live the next months studying on what "might" happen, and how one "should" prepare?
I just didn't get it.
And then I realize.
Neither do they.
They look at it through worldly eyes. They need their options. They are not comforted in knowing the truth.
I however, rested in knowing that HE.."is knitting this child together in my womb" HE "is making all the delicate, inner parts of it's body." HE "is watching this child in it's utter seclusion" -- ( I use "it" for lack of a better term. I do not know the sex)
I am comforted by the truth. God knows the plans for this child. I don't need to know... I need to rest in KNOWING that God does. And I am okay with that. I am comforted by his truth.

P.s. Some day I may blog on this subject a bit more. You see, my mother was once told that one of her babies would either die in the womb, or come out severly handicapped...but, PRAISE GOD, she opted to keep me.


Holly said...

No wonder you put off that appointment for so long, eh?! ;o)
I didn't know you were a "miracle" baby!! Love,

Brandy said...

Oh those lovely appointments!!!!
I'm glad we can stand firm in the Lord and give everything to him!!!!

shari said...

Our pregancies were "unique" and considered "high risk" - I required monthly blood samples due to my blood type being negative and Kevin's positive. I can relare to much of what you've written....the doctors are never to assume that your spouse is your child's father. What a very sad world we live in where so few choose to live out a commited marriage relationship! Your children are blessed to have Mom and Dad so commited to each other and God.

Anonymous said...

First of all.......... what a writer you are. You are going to have to seriously consider pursuing this as a calling.
Secondly, I understand your frustration, when I was preganant, I was never given the option to choose whether to take the test or not, my doctor made it seem mandatory. Like you, it would not have made any difference, as I was keeping each child. I have met may mom's who had the test, it came back positive, and their child was perfectly normal.God's ways are above the realmn of human reasoning.
Psalm 139 has always been my favorite Psalm. I have also taken comfort in the scripture in Exodus 4, where Moses is arguing with God, why he is not capable to lead God's people.
The Lord said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord?"
Because I have a precious handicapped child, I choose to believe that He intricately formed her, and all the special needs people in the world. He doesn't look at them the way we do.

I look forward to hearing more of your amazing thoughts on this subject.

Missing you, and so very proud of you!


Anonymous said...

Unfortunatly for one of my family members, she was given the option to terminate her pregnancy because her twins were both severly disabled. One had a heart outside her body and the other had no bladder. She choose to terminate. I can't imagine having to make that choice. But for the grace of God!!! It's sad that it is a common choice today. My prayer for her is that God shows her His way in this. May He turn it around for good.
P.S. I really enjoy reading your thoughts, Amy. Keep them coming!!!!

Rhonda said...

I look forward to your blog about your mom's decision. I too opted to not have the TEST. There are just some things that I feel we are not meant to know.
Praise God our Creator!!

Joy said...

I refused the test for both of my children and as you well know, I have been blessed with two lovely, intelligent and beautiful kids. God could have chosen to give me a child with special needs and I would have been equally as blessed. My birth mother chose (at age 18) to give me life and let me live with a family that could provide for me more than she could. How blessed am I that she ignored her circumstances and chose to carry me and then let me go. Thank God for my life and for her difficult decision.

Tamatha said...

Wow Amy.....there sure is a lot of posts to get thru on here...but I am really enjoying reading thru them are quite entertaining!