Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Has anyone checked out Cheryl's new blog?

I was taking a mini "break" today, putting my list aside for 10 minutes to check my email and surf "my" blogs... I sat with my diet coke, some eggies, and my blogs...filling my addictions felt wonderful. That's when I came across Cheryls blog. It intrigued me...set me to thinking..what a grand idea...starting something and hoping it to be a habit the first day of spring...genius! I spent a few more minutes surfing, then grudgingly picked up my list. (By this time Isaiah had managed to have marked the whole list up, crossed out most of the lines and made beautfiul 2 year old swirlies over most of the page.) I quickly jotted down another list...finish laundry, bake cookies, organize Hannah's closet..etc...
We (Isaiah and I) headed up the stairs to tackle a job...he began to sing to the radio "evting gwoious", I began to ponder on my "reformation". It brought me to this time last year.
New Years Day, 2006. I fell down the stairs. Nothing major, lots of bruises, an ambulance bill, and a crying daughter. Shortly after that, however, I began having trouble with my eyesight. I began a process of eye doctor appointments, eye medicines, and constant glasses--no more contacts. Oddly enough, the hardest part of it all, was one of the restrictions I had. No makeup. For 4 months. The doc told me this, and I thought.."Oh well, no big deal"---and it wasn't--until the first time I had to "go out". It was amazing how this affected me. Now, you see, I know that I'm far from model material, but I definately don't tell myself I'm ugly. I truly believe God made me the way I am for a reason, and he lovingly placed Mike in my life to encourage and uplift me. Mike thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. But, at that time he could have told me 1000 times and I would have still felt .... less than. I couldn't understand why I felt that. I didn't feel the need to always wear makeup, I never went to the store with it on. I used it on occasion. Yet, I still felt different. As though it mattered. It was as though not having the option changed my self image. STRANGE.
Thus began my journey (yet another..right!??) of self worth. A lesson I felt I had known for some time, and could probably teach on.
Now, a year later, with 95% of my eyesight back, and a brand new pair of glasses, I want to revisit that place again. I want to reform my thinkings yet again. I want to remind my 31 year old, 20 weeks along, 10 pounds heavier me, that God loves me so very much. He made me in his very own image....and that she who fears the Lord is to be praised.(the beginning of that verse is beauty is Sometimes, with everything else going on around us, we need to take some time for us, and remember we are beautiful in his sight. And that's all that matters.
So, my sticky notes will be on my treadmill. Verses of God's love for me. Reminders of some of the good things I am. Pats on the back for what I have done, and what I CAN DO--through him who gives me strength.
Join me. It's good for the soul.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent"......Eleanor Roosevelt

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

With glowing hearts indeed....

I sat looking at the beast. It seemed larger than before. Scarier than I'd remembered. But I knew I had to defeat it. It would not have a hold on me any longer. I had played the game, and lost.
I climbed off the couch. Slowly inching my way towards it. I was determined to do this. This time I would be victorious.
I reached it. It wasn't as big as I had previously thought. Or was it? I knew I could do this. I stepped onto it's body. Pushed the buttons....
And started to walk, almost run, for 50 minutes.
I had tamed the beast!!!
It had been a LONG time since I felt well enough to venture onto the treadmill. But it sure felt good when I was done.
I had Dr. Phil on, as Isaiah was sleeping, and Hannah was colouring. Mike has lovingly placed the beast in front/side of the tv so atleast I can feel productive while I half way through the segment, during one of the many commercials...of which I do not pay any attention to, I heard one of my favourite songs come on. Suddenly beside me, as straight as a board, with her head held high, I see Hannah staring intently at the tv....
And this is what I heard....

O Canada
Our home me native wand
True keaver more
In all our sons come hand
With glowing hearts, we see thee nar
With true north song and free
O Canada, from far and wide
We stand on guard for thee..........
God keeper man
Glowing hearts indeed
O Canada
We stand on guard for thee

I wondered if she even knew that a few of those words were not even real words? I realized the way the words would flow meant nothing to her, but did she really think keaver was a word? She didn't care. She was standing on guard. Singing with all of her 4 years, all of her might, a song she obviously loved.
I know that soon enough, she will know all the words, the real ones, by heart. My prayer is that she will continue to do the best she can, with what she has, and feels she knows. May she give all she has.
And even more, may I, Lord, give all I have, with all my might. With a glowing heart indeed.

"She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head." Mark 14:3

Friday, February 16, 2007

"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
Psalm 139: 15,16

*****Disclaimer.... I in NO WAY intend to offend anyone. I have had 2 healthy children thus far, and therefore am basing my opinion on my previous experiences. If you have opted to have the test I write about, I do not mean to have you feel condemned, or judged. I am only writing my emotions, at this moment, as I feel them. Had my situations been different, or family history been different, so may my actions have been. (I would love to hear about your experience if it differs from mine.) God bless you whatever decision you made. **********

I FINALLY went for my first pre-natal appointment. A little late I know, but it's not that I was putting it off. I don't have anything against doctors. I just wasn't feeling well enough to drag my sorry butt out. So I waited. Until today.
Everything was as I had remembered. The "not-so-comfortable bed" with the oven mitt covered stirrups, the "leave nothing to the imagination gown" in my favourite colour-puke green, and the hasty nurse,who obviously hadn't had her morning coffee yet, asking for "samples" --on demand (urine). (Couldn't we have conducted this test at 2am this morning?? I guarantee I would have filled the cup then!!) There was the never forgiving scale (why did I feel the need to take my shoes off?? Like that matters!!), the cold, sterile stethescope, and a filing cabinet full of "must reads" if you are pregnant. It is one of those pamphlets that have sparked this blog.
"Are you taking your vitamins?" my doctor asks
"No, they make me sick." I reply.
He takes a moment and flips through the mountain of paperwork that makes up my file. He must remember something because he nods.
"Oh yes. You were quite sick with the other two. Right. Well, you should still try and take some. I'll give you a prescription to help with the sickness." He offers.
I smile and take the prescription.
"Do you want an aids test?" He continues. Hmm??? An aids test? Why in the world...
"Umm.. do I have to have one?" I questioned.
"Nope. I just have to ask."
"No, I don't have aids and I don't need a test. But thanks." Why had I just said thanks? It seemed ridiculous to me that he was asking, and I politely say thanks? I suddenly realize I am as odd as Mike says I am.
"There's this test. (he names it..sorry I forget) OHIP offers it to all pregnant patients. It will decipher if the baby has downs or spina bifida" He explains.
"No thanks." I quickly respond.
"Now seeing as you're getting up there, (getting up there??? somebody PLEASE tell me when 31 moved into the "getting up there" category!!??), you may want to consider this test. You know you're odds are getting higher."
I couldn't quite understand what my "odds" had to do with it? I was pregnant, having a baby, I didn't much care what my odds were.
"No, we're keeping the baby no matter what."
"For down's syndrome your odds are 1/754, and for spina bifida it is 1/1500." He continues...This man won't stop.
I wanted to scream.....MY ODDS FOR DIVORCE ARE 1in2 BUT THAT'S NOT HAPPENING!!, I didn't. I just sat there. I must have looked perturbed, or perplexed though because he sighs.
"Butttt.. I see you aren't interested." He begins to scribble. I wonder if he had heard anything I had previously said.
I breathe. Why was I frustrated at this man? This had nothing to do with him. It had everything, in my opinion, to do with society. And our fears. And our selfishness. Did they really have to offer me a "free" test to see if my baby had some ailment?? Have we progressed so far, or regressed so far back, that it would actually make a difference if we knew? And if something was wrong, then what? Would one have the medical option to abort? Would one live the next months studying on what "might" happen, and how one "should" prepare?
I just didn't get it.
And then I realize.
Neither do they.
They look at it through worldly eyes. They need their options. They are not comforted in knowing the truth.
I however, rested in knowing that HE.."is knitting this child together in my womb" HE "is making all the delicate, inner parts of it's body." HE "is watching this child in it's utter seclusion" -- ( I use "it" for lack of a better term. I do not know the sex)
I am comforted by the truth. God knows the plans for this child. I don't need to know... I need to rest in KNOWING that God does. And I am okay with that. I am comforted by his truth.

P.s. Some day I may blog on this subject a bit more. You see, my mother was once told that one of her babies would either die in the womb, or come out severly handicapped...but, PRAISE GOD, she opted to keep me.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

"Come, let us sing to the Lord!

Let us give a joyous shout to the rock of our salvation!
Let us come before him with thanksgiving, Let us sing him psalms of praise.
For the Lord is a great God, the great King above all gods.
He owns the depths of the earth, and even the mightiest mountains are his.
The sea belongs to him, for he made it. His hands formed the dry land too.
Come, let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our maker, for he is our God.
We are the people he watches over, the sheep under his care."
Psalm 95:1-7

And the verdict is still out...on my dad that is. More tests are too come. This is good news. Why you say? From previous doctors appointments, we felt as though we were to expect the worst today. Although one would not confirm without more tests being done, one doctor allowed us to believe it would be a bad case of (colon) cancer. (you always read more into it than you should, telling yourself you need to prepare for the worst.) One doctor suggested that "there is definately something wrong. And it may be VERY difficult to fix." So, with that, we set forth. And believe.

Today, the tests did NOT show cancer! (WOOHOO!!) They did show a mass of something, but the doctor says this....get ready.... "It seems to be healing itself." (we could have told him that!)....

So, still a few more doctors to come... but, we believe.
Thank you all for praying, and for continuing too.

(This is our beloved Papa....)

Monday, February 12, 2007

Fear NOT!!

" So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strenghten you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10

Tomorrow, my first love, first protector, the first to guide me, the one who taught me right from wrong, the first to provide for me, to encourage me, to strengthen me and comfort me, the one who brought me up only to let me go, my father, will be undergoing yet another physical test. A bit more probing and poking, hoping to find out what the cause of his ailments are. They are confident that this one will tell the truth. But isn't ignorance bliss? Do we really want to know? Haven't we played these scenarios over in our minds one too many times? They say it will be "better to know" "better to see what needs to be fixed". Who says? What could possibly be better about it? They've already told us something is wrong, that it will be difficult to fix. Why can't we just stay here? Denying that anything could really be wrong. Nothing needs fixing. Ignoring the unknowns. What if.....??

And then I realize. I've done it again. My human, sinful nature, has taken hold, and momentarily I've forgotten. Forgotten that I serve a BIG GOD. The one who "knew us before we were born". The one who "knows the plans for us.." The one who "will not leave us nor forsake us". The one who "died so that we may have life, and have life more ABUNDANTLY." The one who "heals all our diseases", who "sticks closer than a brother." The one who "will shield us with his wings." , who "knows the numbers of hairs on our heads." He who "orders his angels to protect us."

I want to burn these in my mind. Brand them into my soul. Write them in my heart. I want to live the next 24 hours knowing that, unlike me, God has not forgotten. God knows. And God cares.


He has not given us the spirit of fear, but of LOVE, POWER and a SOUND MIND!!!

May God bless you all. Please join with me in prayer tomorrow. Amy.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

" A hundred!!"

6:26 am
I blink twice and refocus. Maybe if I squint a little harder. Yep, that's the right time. Why, I wonder, did God design us the way he did. This would be the 6th time I have taken a pee since 11:08 the previous evening. What kind of sleep was a gal to get, with a pee break every hour? "Get used to it!" I tell myself. "This is not going away any time soon." Besides, with a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old, I'm lucky to get that solice. Then I hear it.
Pitter patter, slam, pitter patter.
"Hi mama."
"Hey. It's still nighttime. Mommy's tired."
"Okay. But I slept in bed the whole night. Plus I cleaned my room." (referring to our conversation the night before about how she was to do absolutely nothing the next day-today- until her room was cleaned)
By now I know there is no falling back asleep for me. I was not given the gene that Mike was. Once I am up, usually this time every morning, I am up. I keep my eyes closed, hoping that today would be different.
"Mama..I peed in my pullup..sorry"
Nothing was different. It was inevitable that the plans I had made --fantasy of course-- were not going to come to pass. The only Saturday that Mike & I have off together (it is VERY rare that we have the same day off, let alone a Saturday!!) and there was to be no sleeping in, no lounging...reality of children hits
"just one more thing mama."
"You know how much I love you?"
"No Hannah, how much?"
Okay, so sleeping in was nice, but the reality of being loved " A HUNDRED"...that's so much better. My eyes open. I smile and hug.
I hear it again..
pitter patter, slam, pitter patter
"Hi Mama. Goud murnin"
"Hi honey."
Well, there it was. My day had officially started.
6:51 a.m.
7:02 a.m.
"Okay guys, want to watch some tv?"
We all know that answer. And with that my children were heading off the bed.
"Oh mama" Hannah says as her face is 2 inches from mine, her hair itching my chin, her stale morning breath aimed right at my nostrils...
"yes honey"
"You're so beautiful. And I love you. And you're a princess. Good bye"
And with that, they were gone.

7:11 a.m.
Time to rise and make breakfast.
Today, I will try to look at my loved ones with the love of a child. The love that God wants us to have. I will remind myself that they were placed in my life for a reason. LOVE.
And I will love them "A HUNDRED!"

Friday, February 9, 2007

For you, my friend, I love you.

Well, this is my 3rd time trying to post tonight. Here goes

I have an absolute best friend. She has been a staple in my life for many years. She knows me well. And she loves me still. She is a gem. She is caring and trustworthy. She gives without asking for anything in return. She is kind. She is faithful. Her love is unconditional. She is JOY.

My prayer for you, my love, is that Psalm 91 will be your guide. My heart and soul cry for you. May God be your comfort now and always.

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I am trusting him....." Psalm 91: 1&2.

And now, as I leave crying, may you, my friend (who this post is for) rest in complete peace and love. You are truly loved. For the rest of my friends reading, may you's, as well, rest in peace and love.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Just around the corner.....

I'm not really a lover of winter. You see, since I had Hannah, whenever I get cold (which is often) my fingers freeze. They actually go white and numb. No biggie really-until the kids want to go outside. It's more of a nuisance than anything, but it does hinder my winter activities. Needless to say, the kids and I stay inside much of the winter. However, the thought of winter, or snow for that matter, is pleasant. I am in awe that our father designed the world as he did...knowing "Canada" needed the winter. Beyond that, I love the seasons...especially the transitions of them all. I can't say I love one more than the other (although, I do like the heat)..but I do welcome fall and the beautiful emotions it envokes in me. On days like today, when it's just too cold for me to venture any farther than picking Hannah up at school (Yes!! I drove!!), with a million things I "should" be doing, I ponder on the uniqueness of our country, and the love of a God who designed it. I feel grateful. I feel loved. I feel "right". Today, I will not complain about the cold. (Remind me tomorrow morning when I leave for work-at 6:30- that I will not I will enjoy the knowledge that God loves me and my country, and be grateful that I have seen snow, felt cold, and occasionally, enjoyed sledding. And ofcourse, remember that spring is JUST AROUND THE CORNER...


Sunday, February 4, 2007

First verse of the blog....

I've begun a book of bible's of faith, hope and healing.....knowing that the journey my family is beginning may be a hard and long one, but believing that God knows our every need, understands our worries, and cares about us beyond measure...I am sharing with you guys the verses that will comfort me and hold me steadfast to the love of my God...

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit...Romans 15:13"

More pics....just because.....

Here are a few more pics of our time in Cuba. Very grateful for my mom and dad for giving us such a WONDERFUL Christmas present.... What a glorious world our father made!!! He must really love us.
The baby is my niece Abigail...She is 3 months old, and I think that was her first swim..(definately first in the ocean..)...
Hannah wasn't too sure about the starfish that her daddy found..(isn't it big?.... we put him back so he wouldn't die!)....

Saturday, February 3, 2007

My first blog...... I try this blog thing....I am brand new at this, so give me awhile to see if I can really do We've just arrived home from sunny CUBA...and are not too interested in all the snow (and more to come!!)... Other than some groceries, we're laying low today... The "busy-ness" will start all too soon!! p.s. These are my favourite fellas!!