Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Mom's Letter To Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year.

I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your sister," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM


gitz said...

I'm not a mom but I know quite a few who would want me to shout, "Amen!" right now :)

Ris said...

The arms flapping in the breeze thing made me laugh so hard!

I see the soles for souls thing...we are doing something like that at our church right now. (toms shoes) along with the theme, the African children's choir performed this last week and it was AMAZING! seriously i was crying, they were so awesome and could just feel God using these children to shine Jesus' light in their part of the world. Most of them had lost one or both of their parents.

Jen said...

This is great Amy!

I would have added the mythical money tree for all those permission slips from school that seem to get handed to me the night before they are due!

Merry Christmas, and I really hope Santa brings you at least a few of these wish list items.

Maureen said...

Ketchup is a vegetable regardless of what CAS says. hahahaha
Merry Christmas Amy
Hope santa brings you several items on your list.

Cheryl said...

Very funny. I'll take the waist and flappless arms! LOL!

redeemed diva said...

Amy, I love you! Your blog always reads my mind. Thanks for the laugh!

Rhonda said...

Too funny! This one needs to be published. Love your humour Amy! Make sure you never lose it.

Amy said...

rhonda--thanks for enjoying, but I can't take credit for this. A friend sent it to me. I thought it was very funny.